1. The Duke does not own a fiddle.
* or a violin
* or any stringed instrument
* I am not to attempt to rectify this.
2. I am not to ask the Duke how his fiddling is going.
3. The Duke is not Satan.
* or Santa
4. I am not 'the devil's advocate'.
* even if I possess a degree in law.
* especially if I possess a degree in law.
5. I am not 'the devil's avocat' either.
* nor do I own any.
* I may not buy avocat specifically for the purposes of making this pun.
* Even if Kay did it first.
6. 'But Kay did it' is not a valid excuse.
7. If I will insist on calling Malben 'Doctor House', I deserve whatever happens to me.
* Ditto Cionne and 'Cuddy'.
* or 'Wilson'.
* Neither of them understand the references properly, and it's not fair.
* also, Cionne can hit bloody hard.
8. Felix is not a 'neko'.
* nor is he 'kawaii'
* even if he agrees.
* especially if he agrees.
9. New recruits are not 'fresh meat'.
10. I am not to tell new recruits that the canteen food is made of old recruits.
* or the corpses of our enemies.
11. I am not to attempt to make food out of the corpses of our enemies.
* if I do, I am not allowed to share it.
* if I do, I understand I am fully responsible for the following outbreak of food-poisoning
12. I am not to tell the recruits to ask Sabbat what his first name is.
* or whether he and Archer have ever got it on.
* or any other question regarding his sexual preferences.
* or any other question whatsoever.
* in fact, I am not to allow the recruits anywhere near Sabbat.
* we are running out of recruits.
13. I am not to stand in Archer's blind-spot and whistle.
* he has better reflexes than me, and my head is significantly more breakable than a stone wall.
14. 'Make Ella blush' is not an official army pasttime, and I am to cease telling people that it is.
* even if it is remarkably easy.
* I am to refrain from making any comments regarding easiness of anything to do with Ella.
* or Kay
* I am banned from using the word 'easy'.
15. I am not allowed to ask anyone with a more unusual hair colour whether the carpet matches the drapes.
* especially if they do not know the meaning of the phrase
* I deserve everything that happens when they find out.
16. Just because Kay does it doesn't mean I can.
* ditto Sabbat
17. I am not to ask Felix exactly what he can do with his tail.
* because he will tell me
* because no-one wants to hear that
18. Everyone is aware of the double entendres relating to weaponry.
* yes, including Cionne being good with a sword
* yes, including Sabbat being good with a knife
* Why, precisely, do I think making fun of the people with the sharp objects is a good idea?
19. The infirmary is not a torture chamber and I am not to refer to it as such.
* nor may I refer to the surgical instruments as 'implements'
* or 'confess' as soon as I see someone coming towards me with a scalpel
* the interrogation rooms are in the basement, anyway
20. The Hippocratic Oath a) is a Lightside concept and b) does not apply to surgeons. I am to remember this.
* especially when making dirty jokes about the surgeon's wife.
21. Archer does not own a parrot
* nor does he want one
* I may not buy Archer a parrot
* nor may I then complain if Sabbat happens to said parrot
* said parrot is not 'resting'
* or 'stunned'
* or 'pining for the fjords'
* In fact, I am forbidden from quoting the Dead Parrot Sketch.
* there is no 'Parrot Requisition Form', and I may not create one
22. I am forbidden from mentioning 'Twilight'.
* Our vampires do not sparkle
* I am forbidden from conducting experiments to ascertain the veracity of the previous statement.
* I am forbidden from conning new recruits into conducting said experiments.
* We are running out of recruits. Again.
23. I am not to replace the surgeon's coffee with decaff
* If I disregard this instruction, I am to learn to deal with my own wounds for the forseeable future.
24. If Felix tells me to do something, I am to assume I am automatically banned from doing it.
* ditto Kay
* I am not banned from patrols, standing guard, or reporting to the infirmary.
* I am also not banned from not hitting anyone.
* I do possess common sense, and I am to employ it
* I am not banned from employing common sense
25. If the idea of something makes me giggle for more then fifteen seconds, I am to assume I am automatically banned from doing it.
* If the idea of something makes Kay giggle for more than five seconds, I am to assume I am automatically banned from doing it.
* If the idea of something makes Sabbat giggle, I am to assume that both I and everyone else in the Asylum are automatically banned from doing it or anything related to it in any way whatsoever.